December 3, 2017
I’ll be honest, I really have had mixed feelings about
writing the annual Christmas letter this year.
Anthony and I have had multiple conversations about it. Writing this letter and sending out
Christmas cards is one of the things about the Christmas holiday season that I
really enjoy doing. But this year, my
heart just isn’t into it. However,
Anthony thinks it’s important to continue doing the letter – he even
volunteered to do it himself. After some
thought, we decided to compromise and do the letter electronically but not send
out Christmas cards. Maybe next year,
I will do cards.
While there were many other events that happened this year
in our family, the biggest event was the loss of Jessica on January 29th. This has devastated us and overshadows
everything else that happened. We all
struggle to continue moving forward knowing that my beautiful girl is no longer
with us on this earth. In the 10 months
and 4 days since she went to Heaven, there have been many moments of pain,
tears, sorrow, love, laughter, comfort and joy.
I will do my best to share with you the love, laughter comfort and joy
we have experienced this year.
The contract Anthony was working on ended in April and
fortunately, he was able to secure a new position as a Program Manager with a
new company on a new contract with the State Department. He is the PM on an IT contract and splits his
time working in Arlington and Manassas. His
office in Arlington is the building the Internet was invented in. How cool is that? From a career standpoint, this is a great
opportunity and he is doing a fantastic job.
As my husband, Anthony was nothing short of fantastic during the
immediate days following Jessica’s death.
He drove Dylan and Valerie to Texas while Mom and I flew down. Then, he drove Dylan, Mom and Valerie back
while I flew home. They had to bring the
dogs because we didn’t have time to find care for them. In the months that have followed Anthony has
offered the support I’ve needed from him.
When I needed space, he provided strong and silent support by holding my
hand or hugging me when I would just start crying. When I was struggling but
wouldn’t or couldn’t ask for help, he would step in on my behalf to do whatever
needed to be done. While true
unconditional love only comes from God;
here on earth, Anthony is one of the few people who exhibits
unconditional love (not counting Moms, kids and puppies of course)
Yes, Dylan still lives with us. But you know what? This year, this has been a huge
blessing. Since he turned 25 this year,
he’s been looking for a full time job.
He had an interview with an animal hospital a few months ago and was so
disappointed when he didn’t get the job.
We encouraged him to continue to stay in touch with the company and his
efforts paid off. Last month, they had
another full-time position come open and they called and made him an
offer. Tomorrow he starts his first day
as a full-time kennel assistant at Suburban Animal Hospital. He is very excited and very nervous. We know he is going to do an excellent job –
the love and care he provides Snickers and Skittles tells me all I need to know
about his success in this job. I
personally think working with animals is a career opportunity for him. Dylan has had his own grief journey this
year. Through this journey, I have seen
him grow and mature into a caring young man.
When his PawPaw passed away last year,
he constantly checked in with his MawMaw. After losing Jessica, Dylan has been very
caring and protective of me. Sometimes I
have to remind him that I am his parent not the other way around : ).
It has been a big year for Rachel. She graduated from high school in June. She spent most of the year working, studying
and preparing for college. She was
accepted to Regents University in Virginia Beach and started there in the
fall. She’s living on campus in a very
nice dorm with 3 other roommates. We drove down to see her the weekend after
she moved in before classes started. She
spent Thanksgiving with us and we had a great visit. She will be back next weekend to spend some
time with us during her Christmas break and we will take her to her Mom’s house
on our way to Tennessee for Christmas.
She’s been to visit Leighton a couple of times in Brooklyn and plans to
spend New Year’s there as well.
I went back to Texas at the beginning of April to clean out
Jessica’s house and then again toward the end of April for the tree dedication
ceremony. In June, my company sent me to
the SHRM national conference in New Orleans and in October we did a Caribbean cruise. Funny, I don’t feel like I’ve traveled much
this year, but as I write this out, I realize, I’ve done more travel than I
thought. Like I said at the beginning of
this letter, this year has brought its share of love, laughter, comfort and
joy. I’ve shared about our family now I’d
like to share about my personal thoughts
• The outpouring of love and prayers from my friends, family and co-workers has been wonderful. Even now, people still reach out to me to check in and see how I am doing.
• The words of encouragement help keep me going on days where I am having trouble getting out of bed.
• The prayers said on my behalf are necessary because I still find it hard to get through a prayer without crying. I can tell when people have been praying for me. It feels like this invisible layer of comfort that hugs me tight.
• The random acts of kindness of strangers moves me to tears because I have no words to express my feelings. When we did the balloon release at the beach, a couple caught us in their video time lapse. We shared our story with them and they were so moved they did a balloon release with their daughter when they got home. On Thanksgiving, we went out to eat and the manager of the restaurant stopped by our table to compliment me on my headband and inquired about our photo buttons of Jessica and I shared our story. She was so moved and when we went to pay, all we got was a card saying that as their gift to us, our meal was on them. I literally just hung my head and cried – it was so unexpected and undeserved that I just didn’t have the words. I thanked the manager and hugged her tight.
• I know there are many negative ways to use social media but this year, I’ve discovered all the positive ways people can use social media. In addition, the memories on Facebook have been nothing short of a blessing. I find myself looking at my memories every day for something with Jessica in it.
• I’ve witnessed renewed friendships and reconciled relationships this year which make my heart smile.
• Loretta Duncan Ross. Loretta selflessly and lovingly took Romo and Duchess into her home and she continues to stay in touch and let me know how they are doing. It broke my heart not to be able to bring them back with me and knowing that they are still part of the family and are so loved reinforces how great the Duncan family is.
• My co-workers have been amazing. They offer encouragement and have had my back this year. They let me share my pictures and stories about Jessica with them and someone is always checking in to see how I’m doing.
• Jessica’s friends – Oh my gosh, these people – there is not a strong enough word that describes how great her friends have been. Not only do they check in on me and keep in touch with me, but they check in on Jessica. They visit her, they take flowers to the cemetery, they plan and participate in celebrations of her life and find ways to remember her. There are too many people to name individually. I just hope they know how much I love and appreciate them.
• The balloon release to celebrate Jessica’s birthday. I was so moved by the people who participated in this. Many were friends who had never even met Jessica but knew her through me and my love for her.
• My relationship with God is much more personal and intimate now. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done a lot of crying and yelling and blaming but as my counselor says “He’s a big God, He can take it. “ I’ve also thanked Him and praised Him. But most of all, I am relying on Him to meet me needs (well, I’m trying to, but that’s an entirely different discussion best saved for my counseling sessions.)
As the year winds down, I am acutely aware of the very
difficult moments I have coming up – Christmas, New Years, the first
anniversary of the accident. One thing
that has been helpful to me for these milestone events, is to have a plan on
how I want to handle the day. I plan on
spending Christmas in Tennessee. I
don’t have a plan for New Year’s yet but I imagine, I will just sleep through
it. I haven’t decided on how to handle
January 29th yet either. Part
of me doesn’t even want to acknowledge the day.
Fortunately, I still have some time to decide. I also need to set some goals for 2018;
most of my goals will be ways to celebrate Jessica’s life. I’m thinking of doing some scrapbooking next
year.
I’ll spare you the platitudes about life being short and
spending time with the people who mean the most to you – you know this. One of Jessica’s friends from college who lost
her son in 2016 shared some advice with me.
Grief is all consuming and it will never entirely go away. We have 2 choices; we can let the grief
overpower us and self-destruct or we can choose to live and let the grief make
us a better person. I am choosing to
live; some days self-destruction feels like the easier solution. What prevents me from going the self-destruction
path is you. Thank you for your love and
support this year. I love you all!
Merry Christmas!
Anthony & Cindy
Snyder
