Snyder Family Christmas Letter 2018

December 21, 2018

Anthony and I have talked about writing this letter for several weeks now.  If I wait any longer, I won’t be able to call it the “Christmas” Letter.

It seems like I start every letter talking about how eventful the year was and 2018 proved no different.  While a year seems to fly by, when you sit and reflect, a lot happens over the course of 365 days.  January brought the first anniversary of Jessica’s accident.  It seems mind boggling that my beautiful girl has not been on this earth for 22 months and 22 days.  There is not a day that I don’t think about her, talk about her and miss her terribly.  I work hard to move forward and to honor and celebrate her every single day.  

Mom bottom far right.  Guess which one is Anthony?

April brought us another loss.  We received a call on Easter that Anthony's Mom was in the hospital and not expected to make it.  We got in the car and drove to Tennessee as quick as we could.  We were fortunate that we got to visit her before she passed and Anthony got the chance to say goodbye to his Mom.  She left this world in the very early hours of April 2nd.  

Ingleside Winery

Anthony was offered a job opportunity at a company that is less than 2 miles from our house.  He made the move and loves his new job, new company and most of all, his new commute.  He turned 50 this year and we did a wine tour of 8 wineries in the northern neck region of Virginia. 

He also joined the local Republican party.  He and Dylan marched in our community parade, Centreville Days and he also served as an election official at a polling station on election day.  Most recently, Anthony volunteered to serve as Vice President of our homeowner’s association.   You may now refer to him as Mr. Vice President.

Dylan at work

Dylan is working full time at Sheetz, a super-size convenience store.  He loves it – he enjoys his work and his co-workers.   He’s always sharing work stories with us.  His favorite past time is playing Pokemon Go.  If he’s not working, you can find him out chasing Pokemon either by himself or with his friends.  

Leighton and Kavya still live in Brooklyn.  We went to visit them in July and went to a local restaurant for dinner.   Leighton most recently accepted a position as a graphic designer in New York.  We are so excited for him!  

Mandatory Family Pic

Waiting for Subway Very Early in the Morning

We were fortunate to spend a lot of time with Rachel this year.  She spent most of her school breaks with us.  At the end of this semester, Rachel decided to move to New York.  She will be moving right after Christmas and is excited about her new adventure.

Loves the words "Going Bye Bye" but not the trip

Snickers & Skittles had an exhausting year being adorable!  It's hard to believe that Snickers is almost 7 years old and Skittles is 5-1/2.  Snickers recently had 13 teeth pulled and only has 4 teeth remaining.  That doesn't stop him from eating his favorite snack -- dried earthworms on the sidewalk (yuk!). Skittles has developed this habit of howling at certain things we say that he doesn't like.  Most recently, Dylan found one of his childhood books "Time for Bed Biscuit" and we decided it would be fun to read it to the dogs.  Snickers ignored us, but Skittles was listening intently.  When we read the part where Biscuit barks "Woof Woof", Skittles clearly did not like this and started howling.  It's so funny!   

Anthony and I did a lot of traveling this year.  Some trips were big and some were just long weekends. In April, we took a Mediterranean Cruise that set sail out of Barcelona and made several stops in Italy and one in France.  We did a walking tour in Barcelona and Calgiari, Italy.  In Naples, we left the city and did a tour of Mt. Vesuvius and Pompeii.    In Rome, we did a tour of the Colesium (in Italian), had pasta and pizza and walked to as many tourist sites as we could.  In Florence, we didn’t do an organized tour; instead we walked (and walked and walked) the city streets looking at all of the sites.  We even did an impromptu wine tasting at a wine bar we stumbled upon.  We also had pasta in Florence.  By the time we got to Marseille, France, we were ready to give our feet a rest so we did a bus ride touring the French countryside and stopped at a small resort for lunch.  

#tripofalifetime!

 

Jessica is very well cared for and loved

  

  We made 2 trips to Texas to visit Jessica –    one in May and one in September.  It was   very healing to go visit, clean up around   the  headstone and to just sit and spend  time with her.  

  

Still Looking Good 30 Years Later

We made a few trips to TN to visit family. 

In September, we went to Tennessee for my 30-year high school reunion.  We had a good time and enjoyed reconnecting with former classmates.  

  

And, of course, many winery visits.  We found many new wineries that made our visit again list.  Anthony ordered a Virginia wine journal and in 2019, one of our goals is to complete it. 

Naked Mountain Winery

In addition to traveling, we did a lot of home repairs this year. We had to replace our roof, our deck, our privacy fence, our shutters and repaint the outside of the house.  Sadly, the wall that I wanted to paint still goes unpainted with the exception of the initials I painted on the wall to “encourage” Anthony to paint the entire wall! 

Me & Jessica Bear

My theme for 2018 was “healing” and almost everything I did was for the sole purpose of healing and enjoying life.  I completed a 13 week Griefshare program at my church, I took a new job that would allow me more time to care for myself physically and emotionally, I increased my sleep to 7 hours a night, I resumed my daily Bible devotional and daily meditation practice.  I started a gratitude journal which has now expanded to include miracle moments and prayer requests.   I found a lovely woman who quilts and, at the time of writing this letter, is finishing up a quilt made with Jessica’s senior prom dress.  I also placed relationships as a high priority this year making sure that I stayed in touch with the people who matter to me.  While I worked hard at healing, I still struggled going through Jessica pictures and did absolutely no scrapbooking this year; I’m hoping to make this a goal in 2019.

As the year comes to a close, we continue to count our blessings.  As one of my favorite hymns goes “Count your blessings, name them one by one; Count your blessings, see what God has done” 

Me and Anthony at Wine Blending Event

Merry Christmas!

Anthony & Cindy Snyder

A Roller Coaster of Emotions This Weekend

In yoga class yesterday, the date dawned on me.  Today, is Sunday, July 29, 2018.  Today, Jessica has been in Heaven for 18 months.   The first thought that came to mind was that I didn't have a plan for how to handle the day.    I have made a plan for every milestone date since January 29, 2017.  This has been my thing and I have found it crucial in my grief journey.  To make matter worse, I was treating this weekend like any other weekend -- making the to do list and trying to get all of our chores accomplished in addition to having some fun and enjoying the weekend.  Obviously, my second thought was "How could you let this day sneak up on you?  What kind of parent are you?"  These thoughts were the beginning of a lot of emotional turmoil for this weekend.

Sadness
I immediately felt sadness. In fact, I cried several times during my yoga practice.  On my way home from yoga, I saw a butterfly.  God gives me many butterflies regularly as a reminder to me that Jessica's in Heaven -- she's good and that God's got my back.  At that moment, I didn't want to see a butterfly, I just wanted my daughter back.

Anger
I moved away from sadness for a while and spent some time being angry.  I spent more time being angry that I wanted to.  While I understand that it's okay to be angry and to express anger, it's not healthy to remain in anger.  Sometimes, being angry is easier than being sad. I personally don't like being angry.  When I am angry, I pray that it will pass and I actively work at moving away from anger.  Today; however, I spent some time thinking about and naming what I was angry about.   I thought about listing everything in this blog.  Some of the things I was angry about are highly personal and I don't want to upset or offend anyone, so I've decided to not to list them. It took some time, like 24 hours, but I was able to move away from anger. 

Guilt
I would love to say that once I was no longer angry, I was all zen, but I wasn't.  I laugh a little because I don't know that anyone would every call me zen.  Guilt is an emotion that I have a lot of trouble conquering.  It always seems to remain dormant just under the surface and hits me at my weakness.  Most of my guilt comes from the vision in my head about what I think grief looks like and how I think I should be responding.  When my feelings and actions don't match my idea of grief, I begin to wonder what is wrong with me.  When the guilt hits, I have to put a stop to it immediately or it will cause a deep downward spiral.  So, as soon as I recognized it, I stopped it right then and there.

Sadness -- haven't we already been here?
From guilt, I moved back to sadness.   By this time, it's Sunday morning and we are on our way to church.  I really don't want to go, but I do anyway.   Just like yoga postures, the one you don't want to do is the one you need the most.  The days you really don't want to go to church are the days you need to be in God's house the most and you get the most blessing.  There were several tears during the sermon but God also put people in my path to help me and people for me to help.  I wouldn't say I left church singing and dancing, but I left and no longer felt the heavy sadness I had when I walked in the door

Peace, Comfort and Joy
I knew that I didn't want to spend Sunday being angry and being devastatingly sad and, while, I didn't make a plan in advance, I still had the opportunity to do some things that helped me continue to heal.  After church, we had a nice meal with Rachel and Dylan.  We talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company.  Anthony and I had some errands to run and Dylan had to go to work.  Once home, I decided it was a good day to catch up on my gratitude journal.  One thing I started adding to my gratitude journal were my Facebook miracle moments.  I call any memory that comes up in my Facebook feed a miracle moment.  When I have them, I print them and put them in my journal.  Lunch today and the simple act of updating my gratitude journal gave me some peace and comfort and seeing pictures of me and Jess provided me much needed joy.

I won't sugar coat it, this weekend was tough and I struggled.   While I might be finishing the weekend feeling better, it was a roller coaster ride to get here and not the fun amusement park roller coaster.  I will close this post with 2 Bible verses that I often meditate to.

Philippians 4:13 -- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Psalms 46:10 -- Be still and know that I am God.

Lord, provide me the strength I need for the coming week. Amen

Easter Piggy Instead of the Easter Bunny

I had what we like to call a "Cindy" moment in my family  today.  If you have worked with me, you will know that I love festive headbands.  I have a headband for many holidays -- St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years.  I even have a tiara that I wear on my birthday.

Last year, I didn't wear any of my headbands to the office.   After losing Jessica,  I just couldn't get into the spirit of being festive, especially Easter which is the first holiday that Jessica wasn't here for.  This year, I decided to wear my Easter headband to work.  I consider this a significant event in my grief journey especially since Easter is so close to the date of the accident (the accident was on the 29th and Easter falls on the 1st this year).  Our department staff meeting is today and I decided that today was the day to wear my Easter headband.  I grabbed the headband out of my closet and placed it in my bag and headed off to work.  When I got to work, I pulled out the headband to put it in on, I discovered that I had grabbed the pig ears headband instead of the bunny ears headband.  At first, I was disappointed and very upset.   This represented so much more than just wearing a silly headband and I had messed it up.  I decided to wear the headband anyway.  From a distance it's really hard to tell they are pig ears -- they just look like a baby bunny.  So, I put on my pig ears headband and, as soon as I put them on my head, I immediately started laughing. 

Everyone can be the Easter Bunny, but not everyone can be the Easter Piggy.  If Jessica is looking down on me from Heaven right now, I am confident she is rolling her eyes, laughing and saying "Mom, you're such a dork!"

(I got my piggy ears headband at the Virginia State Fair while we watched the pig races.  The headband also came with a piggy tail which I am not wearing for Easter)

My Grief Letter to My Friends & Family

I am currently in the Griefshare program through my church.  I have found this program very beneficial and very affirming of my grief journey over the last 14 months.  The program encourages us to keep a separate journal and each week, we have one or more topics to choose from and write about.  Last week, I chose the topic of writing a grief letter to my family and friends.  The purpose of this letter is to let everyone know what I need to help me heal.  They even provide tips on what to include in your grief letter.

As I wrote my letter, I realized that my current needs really haven't changed in 14 months.  For the last week, I've debated on publishing this letter.  My friends and family have been so supportive of me and I have been very open and public about my journey, that I decided that I wanted to share my letter.  As you read this, I hope you will feel encouraged, hopeful and loved.



Dear Family & Friends;

Thank you for all of the love and support over this past year.  Your words of comfort and prayers have been so helpful and so appreciated.  Losing Jessica has been devastating to me.  I wonder each day how I will be able to continue this life without her.  As I continue to grieve, you can expect me to continue to cry unexpectedly.  I don't cry unexpectedly as much as I used to, but it does still happen and comes on without warning.  When this happens, please don't feel uncomfortable.  Just give me a little bit of time and it will pass as quickly as it arrived.  You can expect to see me carrying Jessica Bear with me. Jessica Bear provides me great comfort and, for now, she pretty much goes wherever I go.

(Me & Jessica Bear traveling on United Airlines)

Even though Jessica has been in Heaven for awhile now, my healing continues and I still need you!  Here's what you can do to help me at this time in my grief journey

• Continue to pray for me.  I know that is has been all of your prayers that have gotten me through up to this point.  There were days were I couldn't pray for myself; every time I tried, I would just cry.  I could physically feel your prayers being said on my behalf.  
• Continue to reach out and check on me.  I cherish each phone call, email, text message, Facebook post or message, card  and letter.   When you check in on me, it reminds me of how many people love and care about me and how loved Jessica was.  I fully believe that one of the ways God provides me comfort is through you.
• Allow me to continue to share my memories of Jessica. This helps me so much.  Talking about my beautiful girl brings me comfort and helps keep her memory alive.
• Visit her.  If you are in Texas and can visit, please do.  I understand for many people, it's hard to go to the cemetery and I would never ask anyone to go who feels uncomfortable.  One of my fears is that people won't visit her and she will be forgotten.  While I know Jessica would have chosen Petrolia as her final resting place, it is very difficult for me that she is so far away.  I really rely on you to visit.
• When you visit, take a picture and send to me.  This lets me know you were there, she had visitors and also let's me know how things look at the cemetery.

It's important not only to know what I need, but you should also know what is not helpful to me.  There really are only 2 things that have not been helpful to me.

• Telling me how strong I am.
• Telling me that if it were you, that you just don't think that you could handle losing a child.

If you have said either of these things to me already, it's okay.  Please don't be upset.  It's not really these statements that bother me as much as what I hear when you say them.  What you probably didn't know is that these statements make me doubt my grief process and doubt my love for my daughter.  This is not your fault.  This is my own issue and I have worked very hard over this last year on this.   So, if you have said either of these things to me or if you accidentally say them to me again in the future, I won't get mad.  I won't yell or scream or cry; I will just have some internal negative self talk to manage and I prefer to focus on other things. 

I know I said it at the beginning of this letter, but I really feel like it can't be said enough.  Thank you.  Thank you for your love, your friendship, your support, your words of encouragement and your prayers.  Most of all, thank you for being a part of my life!.

Much Love,

Cindy

(My favorite pic of Me & Jessica)