Easter Piggy Instead of the Easter Bunny

I had what we like to call a "Cindy" moment in my family  today.  If you have worked with me, you will know that I love festive headbands.  I have a headband for many holidays -- St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years.  I even have a tiara that I wear on my birthday.

Last year, I didn't wear any of my headbands to the office.   After losing Jessica,  I just couldn't get into the spirit of being festive, especially Easter which is the first holiday that Jessica wasn't here for.  This year, I decided to wear my Easter headband to work.  I consider this a significant event in my grief journey especially since Easter is so close to the date of the accident (the accident was on the 29th and Easter falls on the 1st this year).  Our department staff meeting is today and I decided that today was the day to wear my Easter headband.  I grabbed the headband out of my closet and placed it in my bag and headed off to work.  When I got to work, I pulled out the headband to put it in on, I discovered that I had grabbed the pig ears headband instead of the bunny ears headband.  At first, I was disappointed and very upset.   This represented so much more than just wearing a silly headband and I had messed it up.  I decided to wear the headband anyway.  From a distance it's really hard to tell they are pig ears -- they just look like a baby bunny.  So, I put on my pig ears headband and, as soon as I put them on my head, I immediately started laughing. 

Everyone can be the Easter Bunny, but not everyone can be the Easter Piggy.  If Jessica is looking down on me from Heaven right now, I am confident she is rolling her eyes, laughing and saying "Mom, you're such a dork!"

(I got my piggy ears headband at the Virginia State Fair while we watched the pig races.  The headband also came with a piggy tail which I am not wearing for Easter)

My Grief Letter to My Friends & Family

I am currently in the Griefshare program through my church.  I have found this program very beneficial and very affirming of my grief journey over the last 14 months.  The program encourages us to keep a separate journal and each week, we have one or more topics to choose from and write about.  Last week, I chose the topic of writing a grief letter to my family and friends.  The purpose of this letter is to let everyone know what I need to help me heal.  They even provide tips on what to include in your grief letter.

As I wrote my letter, I realized that my current needs really haven't changed in 14 months.  For the last week, I've debated on publishing this letter.  My friends and family have been so supportive of me and I have been very open and public about my journey, that I decided that I wanted to share my letter.  As you read this, I hope you will feel encouraged, hopeful and loved.



Dear Family & Friends;

Thank you for all of the love and support over this past year.  Your words of comfort and prayers have been so helpful and so appreciated.  Losing Jessica has been devastating to me.  I wonder each day how I will be able to continue this life without her.  As I continue to grieve, you can expect me to continue to cry unexpectedly.  I don't cry unexpectedly as much as I used to, but it does still happen and comes on without warning.  When this happens, please don't feel uncomfortable.  Just give me a little bit of time and it will pass as quickly as it arrived.  You can expect to see me carrying Jessica Bear with me. Jessica Bear provides me great comfort and, for now, she pretty much goes wherever I go.

(Me & Jessica Bear traveling on United Airlines)

Even though Jessica has been in Heaven for awhile now, my healing continues and I still need you!  Here's what you can do to help me at this time in my grief journey

• Continue to pray for me.  I know that is has been all of your prayers that have gotten me through up to this point.  There were days were I couldn't pray for myself; every time I tried, I would just cry.  I could physically feel your prayers being said on my behalf.  
• Continue to reach out and check on me.  I cherish each phone call, email, text message, Facebook post or message, card  and letter.   When you check in on me, it reminds me of how many people love and care about me and how loved Jessica was.  I fully believe that one of the ways God provides me comfort is through you.
• Allow me to continue to share my memories of Jessica. This helps me so much.  Talking about my beautiful girl brings me comfort and helps keep her memory alive.
• Visit her.  If you are in Texas and can visit, please do.  I understand for many people, it's hard to go to the cemetery and I would never ask anyone to go who feels uncomfortable.  One of my fears is that people won't visit her and she will be forgotten.  While I know Jessica would have chosen Petrolia as her final resting place, it is very difficult for me that she is so far away.  I really rely on you to visit.
• When you visit, take a picture and send to me.  This lets me know you were there, she had visitors and also let's me know how things look at the cemetery.

It's important not only to know what I need, but you should also know what is not helpful to me.  There really are only 2 things that have not been helpful to me.

• Telling me how strong I am.
• Telling me that if it were you, that you just don't think that you could handle losing a child.

If you have said either of these things to me already, it's okay.  Please don't be upset.  It's not really these statements that bother me as much as what I hear when you say them.  What you probably didn't know is that these statements make me doubt my grief process and doubt my love for my daughter.  This is not your fault.  This is my own issue and I have worked very hard over this last year on this.   So, if you have said either of these things to me or if you accidentally say them to me again in the future, I won't get mad.  I won't yell or scream or cry; I will just have some internal negative self talk to manage and I prefer to focus on other things. 

I know I said it at the beginning of this letter, but I really feel like it can't be said enough.  Thank you.  Thank you for your love, your friendship, your support, your words of encouragement and your prayers.  Most of all, thank you for being a part of my life!.

Much Love,

Cindy

(My favorite pic of Me & Jessica)