A Roller Coaster of Emotions This Weekend

In yoga class yesterday, the date dawned on me.  Today, is Sunday, July 29, 2018.  Today, Jessica has been in Heaven for 18 months.   The first thought that came to mind was that I didn't have a plan for how to handle the day.    I have made a plan for every milestone date since January 29, 2017.  This has been my thing and I have found it crucial in my grief journey.  To make matter worse, I was treating this weekend like any other weekend -- making the to do list and trying to get all of our chores accomplished in addition to having some fun and enjoying the weekend.  Obviously, my second thought was "How could you let this day sneak up on you?  What kind of parent are you?"  These thoughts were the beginning of a lot of emotional turmoil for this weekend.

Sadness
I immediately felt sadness. In fact, I cried several times during my yoga practice.  On my way home from yoga, I saw a butterfly.  God gives me many butterflies regularly as a reminder to me that Jessica's in Heaven -- she's good and that God's got my back.  At that moment, I didn't want to see a butterfly, I just wanted my daughter back.

Anger
I moved away from sadness for a while and spent some time being angry.  I spent more time being angry that I wanted to.  While I understand that it's okay to be angry and to express anger, it's not healthy to remain in anger.  Sometimes, being angry is easier than being sad. I personally don't like being angry.  When I am angry, I pray that it will pass and I actively work at moving away from anger.  Today; however, I spent some time thinking about and naming what I was angry about.   I thought about listing everything in this blog.  Some of the things I was angry about are highly personal and I don't want to upset or offend anyone, so I've decided to not to list them. It took some time, like 24 hours, but I was able to move away from anger. 

Guilt
I would love to say that once I was no longer angry, I was all zen, but I wasn't.  I laugh a little because I don't know that anyone would every call me zen.  Guilt is an emotion that I have a lot of trouble conquering.  It always seems to remain dormant just under the surface and hits me at my weakness.  Most of my guilt comes from the vision in my head about what I think grief looks like and how I think I should be responding.  When my feelings and actions don't match my idea of grief, I begin to wonder what is wrong with me.  When the guilt hits, I have to put a stop to it immediately or it will cause a deep downward spiral.  So, as soon as I recognized it, I stopped it right then and there.

Sadness -- haven't we already been here?
From guilt, I moved back to sadness.   By this time, it's Sunday morning and we are on our way to church.  I really don't want to go, but I do anyway.   Just like yoga postures, the one you don't want to do is the one you need the most.  The days you really don't want to go to church are the days you need to be in God's house the most and you get the most blessing.  There were several tears during the sermon but God also put people in my path to help me and people for me to help.  I wouldn't say I left church singing and dancing, but I left and no longer felt the heavy sadness I had when I walked in the door

Peace, Comfort and Joy
I knew that I didn't want to spend Sunday being angry and being devastatingly sad and, while, I didn't make a plan in advance, I still had the opportunity to do some things that helped me continue to heal.  After church, we had a nice meal with Rachel and Dylan.  We talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company.  Anthony and I had some errands to run and Dylan had to go to work.  Once home, I decided it was a good day to catch up on my gratitude journal.  One thing I started adding to my gratitude journal were my Facebook miracle moments.  I call any memory that comes up in my Facebook feed a miracle moment.  When I have them, I print them and put them in my journal.  Lunch today and the simple act of updating my gratitude journal gave me some peace and comfort and seeing pictures of me and Jess provided me much needed joy.

I won't sugar coat it, this weekend was tough and I struggled.   While I might be finishing the weekend feeling better, it was a roller coaster ride to get here and not the fun amusement park roller coaster.  I will close this post with 2 Bible verses that I often meditate to.

Philippians 4:13 -- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Psalms 46:10 -- Be still and know that I am God.

Lord, provide me the strength I need for the coming week. Amen